I’m now 23 years old and I don’t ever remember having slept for more than 4 hrs. When I was 7 years old my father past away and that messed me up in so many ways after that I became an antisocial pessimist. I spend most of my time alone. When I was eleven my mother took me to her bed and had sex with me, at the time I didn’t even know what sex was but when I did it really fucked me up, and my brother always used to beat me up for no reason and he knew he could get away with it at least until I was old enough to stand up to him.
The day that I did, the day he fucked with me for the last time I saw something in me, and so did my family. All my siblings (2 brothers and my sister) they were terrified of me. They felt uncomfortable being around me and I could feel it, I even tried to kill myself one, i cowered out of it after I slit my wrists, my life was a fucking shit show and I was the star of it. Then last year I meant this girl, She, she was amazing she liked me for me she had a past as fucked up as I did I felt I could tell her anything, and I did (except the thing with my mom, I told her it was my aunt for her not to judge me) then we be came the best of friends, then we started fooling around then, on the 2nd of April 2017, we were a couple, and things were magical.
We would spend the whole day together and the nights texting each other, she gave my life meaning, it would spend the holidays with her family and I was grew close to her brother and even her guarded sister, this one time when they went to vacation they took me alone (the first I went in my entire 22 years of age), around that time I was happy. Me happy. I used to think I have never wasted my life rather life was wasted on me but at that point in my life I was in a roller coaster that only goes up.
She even got me closer to God, I used to go to church with her and her family and for the first time in my life things made sense. Then one day when I was at her place her mom saw us kissing. The next day she broke up with me, dumped me like the filth that I am. She told me never to speak to here, I should have listened instead like Don Quixote I was determined to be her Knight in shining armor, but was a fool on a mule with a bucket on my head and I fucked up and said some shit that broke her heart. Now she hates me. Now I’m back down on Earth back to the dirt I call my life. I have nothing now, whatever friends that tolerated me are gone. And I don’t go to church, because God isn’t going to send a helping hand, all I wish right now is for the courage to say fuck it and kill myself self.